Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
