Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
