The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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