my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
