Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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