I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
