I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
