I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
