eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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