Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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