i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
