I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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