my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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