but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
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I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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