Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We're too hungover to prance.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
