I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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