dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My dick has a subreddit
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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