I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
