I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
