I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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