oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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