i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
