I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I got a message the other day that just said “great titsâ€
A gentleman AND a scholar
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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