3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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