fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
