apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
