i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
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She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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