She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
