I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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