No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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