this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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