I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
His nipple licking is glorious
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