I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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