Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
