Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
