You smell like a Billy Joel song
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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