Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
