I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
