it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
