And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
