She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
