Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
