Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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