I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
you never un-have a 4some
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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