There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
