Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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