I think I am morally bankrupt
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
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When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
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Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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