I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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