i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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