we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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