i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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