Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
