Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
