I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
