youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
