I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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