the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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