Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
